Sometimes…You Need to be Selfish
There are few things in this world more beautiful than a friendship filled with memories. Having individuals that have seen you at your best as well as your worst offers a sense of comfort throughout the vulnerabilities of life. This intense loyalty and trust often blinds us to the reality of when our friendships can be poisoned by our environment. The hardest yet most obvious choice presents itself in choosing loyalty to yourself over loyalty to friends that have turned toxic.
A false sense of security is unveiled subtly over time. Friends that acted as a safety net in the past now become less and less of a solid foundation. Personal boundaries are crossed, values are disrespected, insecurities are utilized as ammunition, jokes are meant to laugh at you rather than with you, and so many more micro-aggressions reveal the toxicity of a so-called “friend.” In an act of self-preservation, we often brush off these red flags, since internalizing their mentally damaging effects appears easier than letting go of a close friend. Despite our best efforts, this internalization always finds its way to the surface. With the internal battle raging between instinct and defense of your “comfort” people, the need to stay loyal is ignited by prioritizing past cherished moments over current harmful treatment. The saving grace in this debilitating mindset is realizing that you simply deserve more; you deserve friends that uplift rather than tear down; you deserve to be surrounded by friends that reciprocate the devotion you bring to the relationship. Regardless of the heartache, you have the power to leave these friends behind, you have the power to selfishly put yourself first, and you have the power to flip the golden rule when needed.
Flipping the golden rule may seem counterintuitive on the surface, but underneath there is a truth of self love in this backwards concept. Some of us have become too attuned to the routine of treating others the way we wish to be treated and waiting for the reciprocated treatment from our friends: a routine that can leave us giving our all with nothing in return. Now is the time to treat ourselves the way that we treat others. Instead of waiting around for the love and appreciation that we all deserve, we need to be justifiably selfish on occasion in giving love and appreciation to ourselves before offering it to our friends. We cannot give what we do not have, which is why the act of tirelessly offering admiration to toxic friends that do not offer anything in return can leave us feeling empty and exhausted. In removing the shackles of toxicity within your life, there is a freedom in reclaiming a sense of power in your own mind, a mind that is no longer fighting to please the unpleasable friends surrounding you. You are now free to discover new friends that allow you to speak your beliefs, admit personal faults, and express opinions without the fear of judgment. As Shakespeare said, “a friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” New friends will have to live up to the expectations for how you desire to be treated, a self-worth-maintaining standard obtained by reversing the golden rule.
Forgiveness amidst the uncomfortability of animosity can be an unthinkable mercy for many that have experienced the emotional scars of toxic friendships. So, why is it a necessary conversation? Well, it is necessary due to the fact that we are all human beings. Mistakes are made, lines are crossed, and friendships are fractured. The pain from these fractures stems from the love and value that have grown in that friendship, a love that remains through the animosity, a love that always calls for respect for that individual, and a love that deserves closure. Toxicity goes both ways, as there is an irrational deliverer and a silent receiver taking the treatment. This is a perfect storm in which two individuals find themselves equal to a match and gunpowder, destined to explode. Upon healing and maturing over however long it takes, there is needed communication to entirely move past the triggering echoes of a deteriorated friendship. It takes an intimidating step to initiate a conversation, but that step is vital in order to come full circle in a toxic friendship. Despite the grievances, choose to extend grace in the end. In honor of this current season of giving, choose forgiveness as an act of grace as well as an act of self love. We cannot change the past, or the choices others made that hurt us, but we can choose to acknowledge how they have challenged us to make better decisions on who we allow in our inner circle, and the importance of seeking positive friendships that build you up, not toxic ones that drag you down.
Written by Logan Hansen, Photography: Alexis Holt